All in time the cuts on my thighs will soon heal over and become scars. Leaving the mere memory of the pain and hurt I have kept so deeply buried within me. All these emotions are so desperately trying to bubble up to the surface of my being. Digging the razor in and sliding it across as I watch the blood break through each cut, brings a feeling of all those emotions that are trapped inside of me as though they are flowing out. Not knowing how to cope I turn from one negative thing to another, looking for a way to drown the emotions I do not want to feel. More damage is done the longer this goes on. Less and less this helps as I want to move on to something else that will block the thoughts, pain, and hurt I so badly don’t want to feel. My heart remains shattered. My eyes stay damp when I am alone. My voice is to weak to speak out. I now have scars over my heart and my body. Wondering when this will all end.. When will all this become easier?
Here I sit, not really wanting to move. The void I have down deep inside, all bc I lost you. Today is hard, bc I don’t get to hold you. Up in heaven is were you are, but everyday I carry you in my heart. To see you and to hold you is what I truly long to do. So silently you were here and so quickly you were taken. Today is the day we would have looked upon your precious face as you would have been layed in our arms. Instead we look to God as he cares for you and watches you grow. Such an imprint you left behind on my heart and on your father’s. We love you greatly and you are always on our mind.
I love you my precious angel baby! Today is the day you would have been born😢😇
When I am in my car, tears begin to stream down my face. When I am in the shower, I sob uncontrollably. When I am in bed, I silently cry. I dream about having you here with me, in my arms, but it turns into a nightmare as I watch you take your last breath. I never got to hold you. I never got to see you on ultrasound. I never got to hear your heart beat. I bleed so much until that I had left was an empty womb and a broken heart.
Tomorrow we have to celebrate your due date with empty arms and hurting hearts. 8 months ago you were taken from us to soon. You entered our lives so silently and was gone in an instant. We had prayed for you for far to long to just have it all taken away. Still we trust in God, as we continue to pray, to become parents! We go on with each day remembering you always. As your heart beats in heaven, ours beat here. Here we have to stay and wait for the day we can finally hold you. All the while Longing to hear your laughter… Longing to see your precious smile…. Longing to watch you grow….. Longing to see who you look like….. Longing to watch your first steps…. Longing to wipe your tears away…. Longing to kiss your boo-boos… Longing to get to know you…. Longing to tuck you in at night…. Longing to sing you sweet lullabies…… Longing to hold you near….. So many things we both long to do and to see, but yet here we are, unable to. We face each day supporting one another during the hard times and during the times we miss you more than anything. No one else do we open up to. No one else really knows how hard it is for. No one else asks. No one else bothers to show they care. Do they not know that we will carry you in our hearts everyday of our lives? Do they not understand that it is still so painful? Do they not understand that this isn’t something you can just “get over” ? Do they not get that you are our child even though you weren’t here long? So many questions as to why no one seems to really care, but us.
Miscarriages are something that just isn’t talked about… It’s something that many have to suffer in silence with. It something that is so painful it can split up families… Don’t let that happen to someone you know and love because depression is always there waiting to creep in. Waiting there to make them isolate themselves from loved ones and friends. Waiting there to cause sleepless nights. Waiting there with nightmares of the loss of their child. Waiting there to slowly drain them. Waiting there to cause mood swings. Waiting there to take over their lives so slowly. Your words don’t really help because no one can seem to say the right things….. Just be there….. Let them cry….. Let them know you care…. Let them know you acknowledge their loss…. Let them know you acknowledge the child they lost… Let them mourn, however long it takes them… Let them process what happened without judgment or rushing….. Let them talk to their child that was ripped away from them… Just don’t let them go through this alone no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel….. JUST BE THERE FOR THEM!
At times I have felt as though the world is closing in on me. Memories are trapped in my head and sometimes I feel like I can’t escape them. They are triggered by things that go on around me and I think to myself if this will ever be completely gone…….I give it to God, but at the same time the pain is just to much to allow it to be fully drudged up. The darkness of that basement still lingers in my mind and the words you spoke still send cold chills down my spine. My whole world changed on that miserable night and you took apart of me I can never get back. Here it is almost 12 years later and I have just spoke about it earlier this year. This has haunted me for years and I have tried to hide it through denial, drugs, and sex in the past. Through all the years that have gone by since that night I have said “yes” to many times to not risk my “NO!” not being heard again. I know you, I know your family, I know your children, I know your wife and every ounce of me can not stand to be around you! You went on like nothing happened and I was the one left broken, confused, and afraid! I was the one who tried to understand what happened and blamed myself for not fighting harder and not trying to stop you more! I was the one who hid in your children’s room hoping you would not come in to do it again, but still you came and then you would not stop. How did it not wake anyone up? Why wasn’t someone aware enough to help me? Why did I not tell anyone what you done to me and the innocence you stole? So many questions still run through my mind even after all these years…….. At times I dream about it…..At times I cry….. At times I want to withdraw from everything and everyone around me……..At times I battle depression….. Emotional wounds I have tried to overcome and I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for GOD! So much I tried to forget and deny that it’s hard for me to even remember exactly when it happened and the months following the attack….is that normal? I still blame myself at times and think that it was my fault……. I can go days even months without having all these memories triggered and then is seems as though it hits out of nowhere….. I push past it and try and avoid it……. Still it is here……Still its all to real…..
The days have turned into weeks and the weeks have turned into months.
We love you more as the time goes on even though we still haven’t met you.
The moment you become ours is a moment we have dreamed of for far to long.
To know we will hold you is what helps us go on.
We have envisioned your smile and have heard your laughter.
To care for you is our deepest longing and our love for you is unconditional.
Trials we will overcome and storms we will get through.
Helping you is all we want to do for it is a tough life you have lived.
Soon our dears you will be safe and soon our dears you will be ours.
Our love is deeper than the ocean, it is mightier than the waves.
Our love will out last the horizon, it is more vast than the sky.
Our love out weighs the greatest mountain, it is more dense than volcanic rock.
Our love is beyond this earth’s understanding, it is a heavenly love.
We see as though we shall never part, therefore we will not.
We hold onto each others word, therefore it clings to our hearts.
We don’t allow contention to set a fire between us, therefore our words remain sweet.
We touch with an explainable passion, therefore it is a heavenly love.
Together is where we choose to be, so it is where we will always be.
Together our souls become one, so it is there that we reside.
Together is where we lay side by side, so it is here that we collide.
Together is who we are forever more, so it is a heavenly love.
As I drift off in a day dream my senses get lost in you.
I find my self fully enthralled in your presence that surrounds me.
My heart races at the sound of your voice calling my name.
I can feel your gaze upon me from miles away.
My soul, the very depth of my being, feels touched as you look into my eyes.
I know it is you that my whole body longs for.
As you caress my skin with your fingertips, chills run down my spine.
My breathing deepens as you draw closer to me.
Every part of me is electrified by your sweet touch.
Your kiss is so gentle, but yet so passionate its more than I can take.
When you press your body onto mine all else fades away.
I know it is you that my whole body longs for.
It is more than just physical it is a connection above any other.
Our love deepens with every moment to come.
In a moment our bodies become one for we are no longer our own.
Every move we make intensifies our senses.
So easily we are lost in one another that this world no longer exists.
I know it is you that my whole body longs for.