All in time the cuts on my thighs will soon heal over and become scars. Leaving the mere memory of the pain and hurt I have kept so deeply buried within me. All these emotions are so desperately trying to bubble up to the surface of my being. Digging the razor in and sliding it across as I watch the blood break through each cut, brings a feeling of all those emotions that are trapped inside of me as though they are flowing out. Not knowing how to cope I turn from one negative thing to another, looking for a way to drown the emotions I do not want to feel. More damage is done the longer this goes on. Less and less this helps as I want to move on to something else that will block the thoughts, pain, and hurt I so badly don’t want to feel. My heart remains shattered. My eyes stay damp when I am alone. My voice is to weak to speak out. I now have scars over my heart and my body. Wondering when this will all end.. When will all this become easier?
Due, but not here
Here I sit, not really wanting to move. The void I have down deep inside, all bc I lost you. Today is hard, bc I don’t get to hold you. Up in heaven is were you are, but everyday I carry you in my heart. To see you and to hold you is what I truly long to do. So silently you were here and so quickly you were taken. Today is the day we would have looked upon your precious face as you would have been layed in our arms. Instead we look to God as he cares for you and watches you grow. Such an imprint you left behind on my heart and on your father’s. We love you greatly and you are always on our mind.
I love you my precious angel baby! Today is the day you would have been born😢😇
In My Heart, but Not in My Arms!
When I am in my car, tears begin to stream down my face. When I am in the shower, I sob uncontrollably. When I am in bed, I silently cry. I dream about having you here with me, in my arms, but it turns into a nightmare as I watch you take your last breath. I never got to hold you. I never got to see you on ultrasound. I never got to hear your heart beat. I bleed so much until that I had left was an empty womb and a broken heart.
Tomorrow we have to celebrate your due date with empty arms and hurting hearts. 8 months ago you were taken from us to soon. You entered our lives so silently and was gone in an instant. We had prayed for you for far to long to just have it all taken away. Still we trust in God, as we continue to pray, to become parents! We go on with each day remembering you always. As your heart beats in heaven, ours beat here. Here we have to stay and wait for the day we can finally hold you. All the while Longing to hear your laughter… Longing to see your precious smile…. Longing to watch you grow….. Longing to see who you look like….. Longing to watch your first steps…. Longing to wipe your tears away…. Longing to kiss your boo-boos… Longing to get to know you…. Longing to tuck you in at night…. Longing to sing you sweet lullabies…… Longing to hold you near….. So many things we both long to do and to see, but yet here we are, unable to. We face each day supporting one another during the hard times and during the times we miss you more than anything. No one else do we open up to. No one else really knows how hard it is for. No one else asks. No one else bothers to show they care. Do they not know that we will carry you in our hearts everyday of our lives? Do they not understand that it is still so painful? Do they not understand that this isn’t something you can just “get over” ? Do they not get that you are our child even though you weren’t here long? So many questions as to why no one seems to really care, but us.
Miscarriages are something that just isn’t talked about… It’s something that many have to suffer in silence with. It something that is so painful it can split up families… Don’t let that happen to someone you know and love because depression is always there waiting to creep in. Waiting there to make them isolate themselves from loved ones and friends. Waiting there to cause sleepless nights. Waiting there with nightmares of the loss of their child. Waiting there to slowly drain them. Waiting there to cause mood swings. Waiting there to take over their lives so slowly. Your words don’t really help because no one can seem to say the right things….. Just be there….. Let them cry….. Let them know you care…. Let them know you acknowledge their loss…. Let them know you acknowledge the child they lost… Let them mourn, however long it takes them… Let them process what happened without judgment or rushing….. Let them talk to their child that was ripped away from them… Just don’t let them go through this alone no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel….. JUST BE THERE FOR THEM! 
Not A Victim
At times I have felt as though the world is closing in on me. Memories are trapped in my head and sometimes I feel like I can’t escape them. They are triggered by things that go on around me and I think to myself if this will ever be completely gone…….I give it to God, but at the same time the pain is just to much to allow it to be fully drudged up. The darkness of that basement still lingers in my mind and the words you spoke still send cold chills down my spine. My whole world changed on that miserable night and you took apart of me I can never get back. Here it is almost 12 years later and I have just spoke about it earlier this year. This has haunted me for years and I have tried to hide it through denial, drugs, and sex in the past. Through all the years that have gone by since that night I have said “yes” to many times to not risk my “NO!” not being heard again. I know you, I know your family, I know your children, I know your wife and every ounce of me can not stand to be around you! You went on like nothing happened and I was the one left broken, confused, and afraid! I was the one who tried to understand what happened and blamed myself for not fighting harder and not trying to stop you more! I was the one who hid in your children’s room hoping you would not come in to do it again, but still you came and then you would not stop. How did it not wake anyone up? Why wasn’t someone aware enough to help me? Why did I not tell anyone what you done to me and the innocence you stole? So many questions still run through my mind even after all these years…….. At times I dream about it…..At times I cry….. At times I want to withdraw from everything and everyone around me……..At times I battle depression….. Emotional wounds I have tried to overcome and I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for GOD! So much I tried to forget and deny that it’s hard for me to even remember exactly when it happened and the months following the attack….is that normal? I still blame myself at times and think that it was my fault……. I can go days even months without having all these memories triggered and then is seems as though it hits out of nowhere….. I push past it and try and avoid it……. Still it is here……Still its all to real…..
Here I Am
With every beat of my heart, I choose to worship you.
With every ounce of my being, I give you my all.
With every breath in my body, I know that your love is true.
With every move that I make, you will never let me fall.
Here I am, as I lay at your feet, I love you Lord.
I surrender to you, oh God of Jacob.
I surrender to you, oh Lord of Love.
I surrender to you, For in you my spirit wakes up.
I surrender to you, your presence I cannot get enough of.
Here I am, as I lay at your feet, I love you Lord.
Short Story
The waves of the ocean rage as they crash upon the beach. I sit, looking out at the sea and the glistening of the water as it moves so gracefully towards my feet and washes over me. The feel of the water is so cool and relaxing as it covers me and then, ever so quickly, pulls back out into the ocean. I lay on my back, resting in the warm sand as the sun kisses my face with its heat. As I stare up at the beautiful blue abyss above me, I watch the clouds as they are being pushed across the sky by the wind. As the breeze blows and the saltiness of the air envelopes me and the sound of the rushing water soothes me. I know that soon the sun will begin to duck behind the clouds as dusk will soon approach. I will watch the sun set and the moon will rise with all the stars spread out so precisely in the dark sky. Tomorrow may never come and today will soon be an end.
- Not based on true events.
Friends are honest..or suppose to be, right?
I sit hear with many thoughts running through my mind; Things I am thankful for, tasks that I need to get done, stuff I would like to discuss with people, but decided to continue to keep it to myself. So many thoughts… So many things that I contemplate doing or saying.. So here I am searching in the depths of my mind, trying to sort through it all. Shall I speak what’s hidden in there? Shall I keep it tucked away? Shall I express what I really think? Shall I share my sincere feelings? Here I am pondering on what to do. Friends are honest… or suppose to be, right? What if what I say hurts them? What if they pull away? What if they become angered at my words? So many what ifs run through my mind. I always talk about how truth should be held above all things, but when it comes to very serious conversations or issues that are a big deal, to yourself, it becomes hard to be fully open and honest with someone. When someone else’s life is affected by their mistakes and uncaringness how do you approach them and let them see, hear, and feel the love that are in the words you say to them? So many questions play in my mind like a broken record player. I want to open up. I want to be honest. More importantly, I want them to listen. I want them to be accepting of the concern I have for them. I want them to see the view from the outside of their life….. Until my words are spoken they will continue to stay within the deepest parts of my mind, counseled for only me to know. I will continue to pray for God’s guidance in their life and for all blinders to be removed! I will continue to show them love and compassion. I will continue to just be there…
Why So Serious?!
I have had people ask me why I am so serious all the time and to tell me to lighten up and relax! I have always considered myself as an easy going and relaxed person, but when I know something has to be done its time to get it done and have fun afterwards! I handle stress fairly well and don’t understand people who don’t. I am punctual and can’t understand someone who isn’t. I hate procrastination and it baffles me when people procrastinate on a daily basis. I like to be organized and find it challenging to be somewhere that isn’t. I like to schedule and plan and it bothers me when those are interrupted with spontaneous unscheduled events. I have to fight against being critical of others. I don’t concentrate on the whole picture, but rather the details that make up the whole picture. I work better alone and feel I get more stuff done, but I can work in teams if needed. I believe strongly in doing what you say you are going to do. I fully think out and study a decision before I make one. I have a hard time emotionally connecting with others unless I have known them and know I can fully trust them and be myself around them. I don’t tolerate much and dishonesty is one of them. When I do show my emotions, to me, it represents opening yourself up to someone in a vulnerable state and truly trusting that person. Once I am in a relationship or friendship with someone I fully commit myself. My morals are concrete. I enjoy teaching and the preparation it takes to put in what you are teaching. I don’t understand people who do things on a whim. I have trouble with people who don’t manage their time properly. Although I struggle with all this I am an introvert and rarely speak out how badly certain things bother me. I long for peace and harmony and I think about the consequences of my actions if I don’t keep certain things to myself. I do, however, have moments to where I just don’t care and speak it anyways. I guess some would consider me a serious person, but I am not really. I enjoy goofing off and having fun it’s just that there is a time and place for it……. I am a realist and a logistician 🙂 With saying all of this I must also add that I am working and praying for GOD to change in me the areas that need to be changed! Also that I am married to a man who is literally the complete opposite and it works! At times it’s hard for me to understand why he procrastinates,is unorganized, spontaneous, gets stressed easily, and so many other things, but in the same way he literally completes me. We are so very different, but he reminds me not to be serious all the time and to have fun! I try to understand people, but their actions speak a lot louder than their words. I analyze other’s lives like I analyze my own life…All in all once I know you are trustworthy, loyal, honest, and keep your word is when I am myself and feel safe around you it is then that I let my goofy side out 🙂
Half of 50, Here I am!
Yesterday I celebrated my 25th birthday! It donged on me that I am now half way to being 50!!! As I looked back on my life over these past few days I have realized just how fast the years have flown by. I can remember being a preteen and daydreaming about the day I would finally turn 16, like it was such a huge milestone in my life to be 16 and in high school! once I turned 16 I was not satisfied, I wanted to be older so I could have more “freedom” I just couldn’t wait to be 18. I wanted so badly to be grown and out on my own that I “ran away” from home at 17 and stayed with a friend, then a family member, and then a dear friend of the family’s. It was then that I felt grown up,I guess you could say, but little did I know that I was rushing through my life, wanting it to go by faster, that I didn’t get to fully enjoy being a teenage….. I didn’t get experience life as a teen and all the things that came with being in high school……. Shortly after I moved out I meet a man that I have called my husband for the past 6 1/2 years :-). When we first meet we were inseparable, still are lol. Once things got serious I really wanted to rush my life so that I could be 18 and marry this man that I love so much. once I turned 18 we got married 6 months later and by then I had dropped out of high school bc some part of me couldn’t understand how I could be a wife in high school….. bc it just doesn’t go together lol…… So we got married and moved in with my mom and step-dad for 3 weeks while we waited to close on our house! it was so exciting, here I was 18, a newlywed, closing on our first house! After we finally moved in and got settled I felt as though I was finally where I always wanted to be, an adult. Here I was married, not in school, no job, and just sitting at home all day doing my “wifely” duties. Soon I began to feel like I was loosing who I was as a person. I had no independence…. I then realized how fast I was trying to get through my life! Many have said that I have always acted older than I really am and I guess that is what pushed me to want to actually be older. Although,having that being said, people would often forget how old I really was and would call me immature in my moments that I would somewhat act my age. It wasn’t until I was 19 that my view on life changed and that was when I gave my life to Christ! Then is when I really started living and enjoying what life had to offer me through serving God! So here I am 25 years old and taking each day as it comes. I am no longer waiting to be older or trying to rush my life, but instead I am allowing God to guide me and mature me. Here I am half way to being 50 and loving every minute of it. I work, I volunteer, I go to school, I teach children’s church, I sing in worship, I am a wife, and I long to be a mother. This is me now, no longer trying to just get through my life, but living it. Here I am….. Here I am, I am where I want to be.
My love and passion to cook came from you
The way I was raised I cherish so much. All the memories I have while spending time in the kitchen watching and learning as my grandmother cooked for her family. The smells that filled the air as her food simmered on the stove. The taste of her homemade preserves and the work she so lovingly put into making them. The precise way she made her peanut butter frosting for the most delicious peanut butter cakes I have ever put in my mouth. The tips and tricks she shared with me while she cooked. So many memories I have and will always have. These memories drive the desire to be the women I want to be. The thought of canning, cooking, mixing, prepping, and making food for my family excites me, it gives me a feeling of accomplishment. So many things I do in the kitchen brings back all the memories I have standing next to my grandmother as a young child, helping her, assisting her with anything she needed. These type of memories that you create with a child will never be forgotten. It isn’t about the stuff you buy them… it’s about the time and love you pour into them.
My grandmother taught me to love and enjoy cooking even when you have had a bad day and everything else around you isn’t going your way because the love you put into what you cook makes it all the better. She had a rough life all the years she spent on this earth. She took care of everyone and always put herself last. She didn’t have the privilege to attend school because her mother died when she was young and it became her responsibility to care for the house and her siblings while her father worked. She married young and practically raised her 6 children( 5 boys and 1 girl)by herself because she had an unfaithful husband. She experienced the death of her youngest and only little girl who was 8 years old because she was hit by a vehicle while crossing the street (my dad seen the whole thing and watched her die, he still has trouble talking about her). She had people living in and out of her house and caring for them her whole life. All she went through and had to do amazes me.
When she would cook she done it with such peace and no complaints, she enjoyed it. I to have grown up to enjoy cooking. I enjoy the process that she taught me while making her preserves. The time it takes to make the best chicken and dumplings you will ever eat. The way you make the most delicious cat-head biscuits you will ever come across. The secrete to her simple homemade gravy. The way she would prepare and fry salmon patties. So many things that I will never forget and that I will get to continue to pass down. I made my first batch of biscuits and gravy when I was 8 years old and still make them the same way today. I was raised to love food and to have a passion to cook it.
One of my greatest dreams is to own a restaurant of my own one day and to have a menu full of my own recipes and to serve only the best homemade food possible. I will remember always of what you have taught me! 
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