Scars Over My Heart and Body

All in time the cuts on my thighs will soon heal over and become scars. Leaving the mere memory of the pain and hurt I have kept so deeply buried within me. All these emotions are so desperately trying to bubble up to the surface of my being. Digging the razor in and sliding it across as I watch the blood break through each cut, brings a feeling of all those emotions that are trapped inside of me as though they are flowing out. Not knowing how to cope I turn from one negative thing to another, looking for a way to drown the emotions I do not want to feel. More damage is done the longer this goes on. Less and less this helps as I want to move on to something else that will block the thoughts, pain, and hurt I so badly don’t want to feel. My heart remains shattered. My eyes stay damp when I am alone. My voice is to weak to speak out. I now have scars over my heart and my body. Wondering when this will all end.. When will all this become easier?

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Not A Victim

At times I have felt as though the world is closing in on me. Memories are trapped in my head and sometimes I feel like I can’t escape them. They are triggered by things that go on around me and I think to myself if this will ever be completely gone…….I give it to God, but at the same time the pain is just to much to allow it to be fully drudged up. The darkness of that basement still lingers in my mind and the words you spoke still send cold chills down my spine. My whole world changed on that miserable night and you took apart of me I can never get back. Here it is almost 12 years later and I have just spoke about it earlier this year. This has haunted me for years and I have tried to hide it through denial, drugs, and sex in the past. Through all the years that have gone by since that night I have said “yes” to many times to not risk my “NO!” not being heard again. I know you, I know your family, I know your children, I know your wife and every ounce of me can not stand to be around you! You went on like nothing happened and I was the one left broken, confused, and afraid! I was the one who tried to understand what happened and blamed myself for not fighting harder and not trying to stop you more! I was the one who hid in your children’s room hoping you would not come in to do it again, but still you came and then you would not stop. How did it not wake anyone up? Why wasn’t someone aware enough to help me? Why did I not tell anyone what you done to me and the innocence you stole? So many questions still run through my mind even after all these years…….. At times I dream about it…..At times I cry….. At times I want to withdraw from everything and everyone around me……..At times I battle depression….. Emotional wounds I have tried to overcome and I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for GOD! So much I tried to forget and deny that it’s hard for me to even remember exactly when it happened and the months following the attack….is that normal? I still blame myself at times and think that it was my fault……. I can go days even months without having all these memories triggered and then is seems as though it hits out of nowhere….. I push past it and try and avoid it……. Still it is here……Still its all to real…..

 

Why So Serious?!

I have had people ask me why I am so serious all the time and to tell me to lighten up and relax! I have always considered myself as an easy going and relaxed person, but when I know something has to be done its time to get it done and have fun afterwards! I handle stress fairly well and don’t understand people who don’t. I am punctual and can’t understand someone who isn’t. I hate procrastination and it baffles me when people procrastinate on a daily basis. I like to be organized and find it challenging to be somewhere that isn’t. I like to schedule and plan and it bothers me when those are interrupted with spontaneous unscheduled events. I have to fight against being critical of others. I don’t concentrate on the whole picture, but rather the details that make up the whole picture. I work better alone and feel I get more stuff done, but I can work in teams if needed. I believe strongly in doing what you say you are going to do. I fully think out and study a decision before I make one. I have a hard time emotionally connecting with others unless I have known them and know I can fully trust them and be myself around them. I don’t tolerate much and dishonesty is one of them. When I do show my emotions, to me, it represents opening yourself up to someone in a vulnerable state and truly trusting that person. Once I am in a relationship or friendship with someone I fully commit myself. My morals are concrete. I enjoy teaching and the preparation it takes to put in what you are teaching. I don’t understand people who do things on a whim. I have trouble with people who don’t manage their time properly. Although I struggle with all this I am an introvert and rarely speak out how badly certain things bother me. I long for peace and harmony and I think about the consequences of my actions if I don’t keep certain things to myself. I do, however, have moments to where I just don’t care and speak it anyways. I guess some would consider me a serious person, but I am not really. I enjoy goofing off and having fun it’s just that there is a time and place for it……. I am a realist and a logistician 🙂  With saying all of this I must also add that I am working and praying for GOD to change in me the areas that need to be changed! Also that I am married to a man who is literally the complete opposite and it works! At times it’s hard for me to understand why he procrastinates,is unorganized, spontaneous, gets stressed easily, and so many other things, but in the same way he literally completes me. We are so very different, but he reminds me not to be serious all the time and to have fun! I try to understand people, but their actions speak a lot louder than their words. I analyze other’s lives like I analyze my own life…All in all once I know you are trustworthy, loyal, honest, and keep your word is when I am myself and feel safe around you it is then that I let my goofy side out 🙂

Half of 50, Here I am!

Yesterday I celebrated my 25th birthday! It donged on me that I am now half way to being 50!!! As I looked back on my life over these past few days I have realized just how fast the years have flown by. I can remember being a preteen and daydreaming about the day I would finally turn 16, like it was such a huge milestone in my life to be 16 and in high school! once I turned 16 I was not satisfied, I wanted to be older so I could have more “freedom” I just couldn’t wait to be 18. I wanted so badly to be grown and out on my own that I “ran away” from home at 17 and stayed with a friend, then a family member, and then a dear friend of the family’s. It was then that I felt grown up,I guess you could say, but little did I know that I was rushing through my life, wanting it to go by faster, that I didn’t get to fully enjoy being a teenage….. I didn’t get experience life as a teen and all the things that came with being in high school……. Shortly after I moved out I meet a man that I have called my husband for the past 6 1/2 years :-). When we first meet we were inseparable, still are lol. Once things got serious I really wanted to rush my life so that I could be 18 and marry this man that I love so much. once I turned 18 we got married 6 months later and by then I had dropped out of high school bc  some part of me couldn’t understand how I could be a wife in high school….. bc it just doesn’t go together lol…… So we got married and moved in with my mom and step-dad for 3 weeks while we waited to close on our house! it was so exciting, here I was 18, a newlywed, closing on our first house! After we finally moved in and got settled I felt as though I was finally where I always wanted to be, an adult. Here I was married, not in school, no job, and just sitting at home all day doing my “wifely” duties. Soon I began to feel like I was loosing who I was as a person. I had no independence…. I then realized how fast I was trying to get through my life! Many have said that I have always acted older than I really am and I guess that is what pushed me to want to actually be older. Although,having that being said, people would often forget how old I really was and would call me immature in my moments that I would somewhat act my age. It wasn’t until I was 19 that my view on life changed and that was when I gave my life to Christ! Then is when I really started living and enjoying what life had to offer me through serving God! So here I am 25 years old and taking each day as it comes. I am no longer waiting to be older or trying to rush my life, but instead I am allowing God to guide me and mature me. Here I am half way to being 50 and loving every minute of it. I work, I volunteer, I go to school, I teach children’s church, I sing in worship, I am a wife, and I long to be a mother. This is me now, no longer trying to just get through my life, but living it. Here I am….. Here I am, I am where I want to be.

Just a little about yours truly

I am 24 years old and I enjoy writing just as much as I do talking, sometimes even more. I feel as though I can better express myself through words on paper rather than watching them stumble, somewhat helplessly, out of my mouth at times. I am Christian and strive to live a life pleasing to GOD and not man! I teach children’s church, sing in worship, volunteer/work at my local pregnancy center, work at a gym(desk and daycare), and currently in school to become a Vet Assistant. Aside from all of that I am a wife to an amazing husband who supports and encourages me in everyway possible. On my own time I read, watch t.v, help out with outreaches, spend time with family and friends, and enjoy my alone time. my personality profile is an ISTJ and explains almost everything about me, although I am working on many of my faults through GOD and prayer. I love children and pray to have many of my own, both through biologically and adoption, one day!

Randomness

Ice cream, why must you be the only thing I can think about as my night is coming to an end and the sound of my bed calling my name increases. Moose tracks. Turtle tracks. Blueberry pie. Oh my!  You are so sweet, so cool, and so refreshing to my taste buds. May I plunge my spoon into your soft inviting carton? May I bring you up to my mouth to taste the goodness that you offer? Oh what they hey I am going to anyways! Night y’all
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🙂