Not A Victim

At times I have felt as though the world is closing in on me. Memories are trapped in my head and sometimes I feel like I can’t escape them. They are triggered by things that go on around me and I think to myself if this will ever be completely gone…….I give it to God, but at the same time the pain is just to much to allow it to be fully drudged up. The darkness of that basement still lingers in my mind and the words you spoke still send cold chills down my spine. My whole world changed on that miserable night and you took apart of me I can never get back. Here it is almost 12 years later and I have just spoke about it earlier this year. This has haunted me for years and I have tried to hide it through denial, drugs, and sex in the past. Through all the years that have gone by since that night I have said “yes” to many times to not risk my “NO!” not being heard again. I know you, I know your family, I know your children, I know your wife and every ounce of me can not stand to be around you! You went on like nothing happened and I was the one left broken, confused, and afraid! I was the one who tried to understand what happened and blamed myself for not fighting harder and not trying to stop you more! I was the one who hid in your children’s room hoping you would not come in to do it again, but still you came and then you would not stop. How did it not wake anyone up? Why wasn’t someone aware enough to help me? Why did I not tell anyone what you done to me and the innocence you stole? So many questions still run through my mind even after all these years…….. At times I dream about it…..At times I cry….. At times I want to withdraw from everything and everyone around me……..At times I battle depression….. Emotional wounds I have tried to overcome and I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for GOD! So much I tried to forget and deny that it’s hard for me to even remember exactly when it happened and the months following the attack….is that normal? I still blame myself at times and think that it was my fault……. I can go days even months without having all these memories triggered and then is seems as though it hits out of nowhere….. I push past it and try and avoid it……. Still it is here……Still its all to real…..